2021. It’s Time.

Well hey there. Thought you left. Well all jokes aside it’s been… a time. Residency over. Graduated! Would you believe that? I snapped my fingers, slept for a total of 4 hours over 3 years, missed about every important life event from 2018-2021 and well shucks, I’m a real doctor now? Kinda crazy. Well I do feel bad. 99.42% of this blog is to check an internal box. To say “hey! You had this crazy ideal to have a website and talk to the world and say anyyything you wanted to? Well it’s real!” I do know a couple of my friends stop by and I greatly appreciate that and love y’all! I had grand plans for this website: to have it be a mecha of EM inside knowledge, ways to remember difficult things and to rant about cool experiences but a lot of things got into the way of that and I might as well address those now:

1). Time. Have any of y’all written something and posted it online? It takes wayyy longer than you think! I have a million ideals but I see myself as a perfectionist. I don’t like to post trash, have friends say “yo there’s grammatical errors there and there anddd more importantly… what the heck were you saying?”. So what should be a 30-minute post is 2+ hours between writing, editing, finding pictures and refining. Over and over… so I just simply didn’t have the time in residency. And when I did, I was burnt out or wanted to spend it with friends. I think y’all can understand. I hope.

2). I didn’t know the direction I wanted to go. Simply put was it for ER stuff, was it a blog, was it for my old school friends, new friends, significant other, my profession or for you. The random reader that happen to fall across my page. I didn’t know and I still don’t. I think mentally I’ve given up and just said “it’s for me”. Then if even one person enjoys it, welcome! Otherwise, I’ll keep writing and see where my fingers take me.

3). Well why not after 1,664 days… why today? Cuz f*ck, why not? if not now, when? I’ve always wanted a website. In high school there was a dude, we’ll call him “ball”, who was crazy good at computers. I learned to how to build them. he literally showed me that you can turn a hunk of random metal parts and turn them into a hard-core gaming rig. man I was hooked. I always played games as a kid. N64 battle tanks, gameboy Pokemon, Xbox halo, PC Battlefield 2 (harddd). In high school all I imagined was to be a gamer. Friends as gamers, gaming clan and whoopin’ ass online. man it’s so fun/fulfilling. Sneaking in that last shot or hiding in the corner in pure fear waiting for the screen to turn gray with “WIN! 200-199”. Talk about palpitations! Well in high school I got so amped up from building that computer rig I spent 1+ month making my own gaming clan website! It was legit. Multiple pages, a chat room, everything! Too bad I was the only one who knew about it or used it since I was too scared/nervous to tell more than my 3 closes friends about it. Then one day in class (promise I’ll get to the third point) a girl, a pretty one none the less, turned around and was like “I saw your site, pretty cool! you build that all yourself?” Dude. Wtf… how’d she know, who told her, does everyone know, she’s a girl… does she game!? Can I marry her? Haha semi-kidding. From then I realized if you wanna do something, just do it. Promise, you’ll blink and you’ll be through Residency, school, boards, high school, band camp, chuck e cheese training, whatever and you’ll be like “Dude wtf. How’d I get here”. That’s exactly how I feel. My friends can do things, buy things, have humans of their own and I’m like “You!? You’re an idiot! You have no money, couldn’t remember to do your homework and when you did got a 62% and you’re supposed to feed your child every 4 hours!? Gtfo…”. So that’s where I’m at. I have an internal “shits meter” and when I’ve thought about something for 5-days straight and haven’t done anything, SOMETHING, by the name of Jesus himself, is getting done. So for the last 5-days I’ve been in my head, from as little as 5-seconds to 2+ hours yesterday with “why not write in your dumb little blog?”. So that’s what I’m doing, damnit! If not after 1,664 days (since my first post), why not? 🙂

4). My mentor started a blog and I mentally had to one up him. I wish everyone had a mentor like this guy! Young. Fun. LOVES ultrasound. Obsessed with teaching, learning, super nice. This guy is legit. He spends alllllll freakin’ day making PowerPoints, 3D printed cric-models, ultrasounds gel models, etc just cuz he loves it. Period. He, like 2-months before I graduated, made a blog! I’m sure 1/2 to check that internal box but also for the residency. He was gonna post Quizlets, lectures, EM related things onto it. I was sooo happy when he made it! I wanted to literally scream in his face “I HAVE A BLOG! OMG NO-ONE KNOWS! YOU WANNA SEE!! GIVE ME FEEDBACK! LOOK AT THESE FEATURES. #drooling” buttt I never told a soul in residency. There were personal things in this blog that I didn’t want to have to go back and re-read my whole website to make sure I didn’t offend anyone or cast a bad light on a single person/place/inanimate object that would have put me, my reputation or career at stake. This blog is me, my thoughts, opinions and not those of any other second entity. There. I said it. I’m twenty first century compliant m*therf*ck*rs. If I start pumping out legit Emergency Medicine content in the future I might throw Dr. Metal a url-link, but until then, I’ll just say I did so in my head and keep moving forward.

5). The actual reason: Cuz I have a couple of days off. I’m going to be parked in a library with nothing to do but study for boards and realized when I’m about to snap I’m going to take little breaks here and there and write to y’all. I have many plans so we’ll see how that goes haha. I do apologize. I have promises in this blog that went unfulfilled. That’s the story of my life: I’m perfect inside but not outside. Far from it. I say wonderful things, promises, wishes… yet get lost in my self/problems/habits and quickly forget. Sorry y’all. I thought about deleting those posts where I’m like “I’m gonna publish this often for this long!” But why hide from my failures? Your failures are out there and known and they (should) only make you stronger. Should. So my current thought, which I think at least and that’s all that matters, is pretty cool! It’s gonna be a 30-day trial. To make a post a day for 30-days. If I’m crunched for time it’s going to simply be “theses are the cool new videos I’ve found online, check em’ out!”. So let day 1 begin! I’ll post more either later today or tomorrow.

Anyways, I’ve missed y’all! Can’t wait to write more. For now, me and my coffee cup are gonna start studying (yes it’s 3pm) but I spent yesterday and today as a mental “catch up” after 1,000+ miles of driving and attending a funeral :/ Now “oh, snap, back to reality…”. As a heads up (if you lasted this long through my rant) I wanted to mention some of my soon to be blog posts: some tech I’ve recently obtained, COVID where I’m at (maybeee. That’s a freakin’ touchy topic to say the least), Olympics, life stuff and who knows! Let the typing begin 😈. As always if you have feedback or want me to address something lemme know!

-Z

Image Credit: [Feature, 1, 2, 3, 4]

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